Today feels like a Monday on a Tuesday – long weekends mess me up, I have a hard enough time remembering the day of the week as a rule – throw in a stat and I’m hooped. Nothing distinguishes Wednesday from Saturday when you’re living the life of a retired…whatever I am. Even my mornings are confused right now, nobody is asking to go for a walk or for breakfast or for a piece of what I’m eating – nobody is laying at my feet.
I’ve been trying to dig up something to write about this week but all my thoughts are centered around a big brown dog and the hole he left behind.
The actual size of the dog has little to do with the size of the hole it leaves behind – the whole heart breaks. Time alone can fill that hole and despite its cracks the heart keeps beating as it mends. I know this. My heart feels like an antique teacup – shell cracked and faded, well used and weary – fragile and yet some how still strong enough to hold tea.
I’ve spent some time this weekend cruising the internet, I signed on to follow a couple of dog rescue sites and am now being inundated with pictures of dejected dogs looking for loving homes. I’ve added a few more cracks to my teacup – I could love any number of these dogs (hell, I could love all of them) but now is not the time (she says first thing in the morning when the sun is shining – it’s after hours in the dark and quiet when temptation is the greatest). I’m going to have to unfollow these sites before I fall victim to impulse.
I’m not trying to replace Chester but rather fill the void he’s left behind – my house feels empty and desperate. I’m tripping on that void – I am empty and desperate too. I know there’s a dog out there who needs me as much as I need it but I’m going to have to be patient while it finds its way to me. In the meantime I will try to fill the hole with mindless projects and memories.
Comments (1)
I hear your loss.