Picture Perfect
I find myself flipping through photos of him on my iPad; studying his face, zooming in on his eyes, and wondering. I can almost see the moment the light went out, when he began to realize things were amiss. I wonder if he saw the end drawing near or if he knew his time was […]
Getting a move on
Every day I get a little further from the life we lived together. It’s like I live in a fog of what used to be – like I’m waiting for the sun to break through and show me the lay of the land. I feel disoriented and lost. This sense of waiting for something is […]
Brave pumpkins
Crossing Halloween off the calendar of ‘firsts’ didn’t feel like a big deal, Halloween hasn’t been an major event in our house for years. It’s a cute holiday, I will give it that, kids love it – costumes, free candy, late bed times – what’s not to love? But I didn’t feel like I had […]
Tripping on the past
I’m a great at dishing out advice – someone else’s problems are so much easier to solve than my own. I tell people to be brave, share their truth, talk about things – you know, all the usual stuff – text book advice. I believe if something is worth having it’s worth sticking your neck […]
Subliminal Grief
I woke myself up crying this morning – actually it was more of a moan than a cry, real tears didn’t form until I was well out of my dream and reliving it. Then I cried in earnest. I started today in the depths of despair. This is a first for this particular loss, I […]
Love, Mom
It’s the little things that chip away at my heart, the repetitious hammering of reminders. Things which were once automatic now have to be deliberate. Something as simple as signing a birthday card has become an emotional reminder of all that has changed, all that will never be the same. I’ve been half of […]
Survivors
We are half way through that first year of dates and anniversaries we are marking without him. Dates that normally would have been celebrated are merely being crossed off a list, they have turned into a series of events that must be faced and coped with. They have become challenges and accomplishments – things we […]
A ride forty years long
Our fortieth wedding anniversary is tomorrow – it sits on the horizon like a fog I’m going to have to walk through. I’ve been fretting about it for weeks. Tomorrow will be another event in a year of painful firsts, a day to get through. I’ve spent a lot of time in recent days in […]
De-cluttering
I’ve been cleaning closets and sorting through things that haven’t seen the light of a day for years. I’ve been finding a lot of old memories; cards, notes, trinkets; and having a wave of nostalgia I haven’t felt in a long time. The corners of this house are stacked with memorabilia, a lot of […]
Solving the case of the missing muse
Where do you even start to look for an imaginary friend? Especially one with infinite places to hide. A muse is a trickster, it has no form or actual substance, it is lighter than air. It can appear in an instant and disappear just as fast. It’s easy to take a muse for granted when […]