The tomorrows

There was a smoldering fire somewhere on the beach this morning, its fragrance poked my subconscious as I walked with my dog.  I found myself leaning into memory – suddenly awash in nostalgia as the smoke drifted deeper into my yesterdays.  I had visions of embers darting into the night sky like stupefied fireflies.  And I was warm – warm from a place deep inside, warm from my store of those yesterdays.

I’ve never been a camper but that’s not to say I haven’t enjoyed a campfire or two. I’ve bundled myself in sweaters and fleece to watch flames lick a night sky.  I’ve lost myself in the intimate dance of fire and wood and wind and been mesmerized by the sway and dip of flames.  I know the magic of campfires.

There is a very real connection between smell and memory – the scent of that smoldering fire evoked memories so vivid I found myself settling into the past with such ease I almost forgot where I was.  It was a kiss of comfort, a place of gratitude.  I am thankful for my memories. I relived many happy hours in the space of a second or two.

Remembered time doesn’t have the same constrictions as actual time – it isn’t measured by minutes or clocks.  Remembered time is not bound by earthly context – it has no limitations, a year is the same as a moment.  In that way remembered time is much like a dream – a subconscious blip.

I’ve never been able to prompt a memory with the same clarity as a memory that’s been triggered by circumstance – by the surprise attack of a yesterday – but I wish I could.  It’s probably a good thing that I can’t – if I could paint a memory as clear as the moment of its creation I might be compelled to live in it forever.

For me the temptation to fall backwards into time is great, my yesterdays are comfortable and predictable. If I could live in those yesterdays I would choose only the lovely ones, the campfires – I wouldn’t bother with yesterdays laced with challenges or heartache.  I’d live an airy-fairy existence. From the vantage of this morning those good memories were easy pickings.  But today’s vantage also held a whisper of what’s to come – glimpses of the future.  The tomorrows.