A lightbulb moment
I’ve never been keen on cooking for myself, it’s a lot of work and no one ever compliments the chef, after dinner I’m left holding the dishcloth, washing the dishes and wiping crumbs off the counter. Even a lackluster effort is a chore I’d prefer not to do. I’m almost three weeks into my […]
Surviving Christmas
Christmas arrived right on schedule despite the fact I’d had my foot on the brakes for weeks. It slipped into the house like an obligation and has fled almost as quickly. We set it up, put it out, ate it up and then got the hell out of Dodge. It’s done and I’m glad. We […]
The face of devotion
I only need to look at my big brown dog and think ‘I love you’ and he wags his tail. If the notion of going for a walk crosses my mind he looses his. Chester and I have a connection that goes beyond words. I inherited this brown dog and although we have a strong […]
The Best We Can Do
You would think that after months of dealing with grief I would know how to help someone else deal with theirs – I don’t. I’m the awkward person I’ve always been, maybe even more so. If I’ve learned anything about grieving by grieving it’s that I know nothing about how anyone else feels – grief […]
Where I’m At
I still have maudlin moments, moments when I let memory walk me back into that sterile hospital room where I indulge my grief and relive the hours just before he passed away. I place myself in the middle of the nightmare – the dark center where the air is thick with fear. Back to when […]
Getting a move on
Every day I get a little further from the life we lived together. It’s like I live in a fog of what used to be – like I’m waiting for the sun to break through and show me the lay of the land. I feel disoriented and lost. This sense of waiting for something is […]
Subliminal Grief
I woke myself up crying this morning – actually it was more of a moan than a cry, real tears didn’t form until I was well out of my dream and reliving it. Then I cried in earnest. I started today in the depths of despair. This is a first for this particular loss, I […]
Love, Mom
It’s the little things that chip away at my heart, the repetitious hammering of reminders. Things which were once automatic now have to be deliberate. Something as simple as signing a birthday card has become an emotional reminder of all that has changed, all that will never be the same. I’ve been half of […]
Survivors
We are half way through that first year of dates and anniversaries we are marking without him. Dates that normally would have been celebrated are merely being crossed off a list, they have turned into a series of events that must be faced and coped with. They have become challenges and accomplishments – things we […]
A ride forty years long
Our fortieth wedding anniversary is tomorrow – it sits on the horizon like a fog I’m going to have to walk through. I’ve been fretting about it for weeks. Tomorrow will be another event in a year of painful firsts, a day to get through. I’ve spent a lot of time in recent days in […]