We did it, survived another Christmas without him. This year the holidays were emotional but accepted in a fashion that would have made him proud. Although his physical presence has disappeared we all carried a piece of him into the season – he was with us in spirit. We were less afraid to acknowledge the empty chair, not so reluctant to talk about him – he was in the stories we told and in the memories we shared. He was part of Christmas again and yet….
I missed him in a fashion that was more than what has become familiar – the established ache in my heart ached a little deeper; I smiled through tears, stifled grief and soldiered. I have to accept that this is the new face of our family, our new normal, and sometimes that’s a tough pill to swallow – especially at Christmas and during the holiday season and…. well, every day.
I long for the days when we took things for granted – when we assumed. Those days were comfortable, they fit like favorite jeans or sneakers – a bit worn and frayed. They were the days when the tomorrows were a given. We didn’t worry that there might be a quota on happy. We didn’t anticipate a time when having ordinary again would be the wish come true. We didn’t know, and I’m thankful we didn’t.
Nothing can prepare you for a life you didn’t choose or the ongoing challenge of staying in the moment. No one can predict how you will react or how you will feel or cope. Trying to imagine the unimaginable is a waste of the time – living the moment is where it’s at. And we did, we stayed in the moment and survived another Christmas without him.