3s A Breeze – Palms Away!

Downstairs

My son-in-law made an unusual call for help the other day which I answered posthaste (it’s usually me calling for assistance – it felt good to have the shoe on the other foot for a change). He texted he was in the front yard and wondered if I had five minutes to spare (I have a lot of minutes to spare these days – giving five of them to a guy who never fails to show up for me was hardly a tough call). I slid my feet into my shoes and booked it outside.

I know my son-in-law is a man of many talents but I had no clue ‘ranch hand’ was among them. You can imagine my surprise when I rounded the corner of the house to find he had lassoed our palm tree with a bright orange tow rope and had it securely tethered to the back of his pickup truck. (In retrospect I shouldn’t have been all that surprised – his gardening hat does have something of a cowboy-esque quality to it (if you squint your eyes and use a little imagination)).

Our new yard is beautifully landscaped but shortly after we moved into the house we made a collective decision – the palm tree out front had to go. It’s not that any of us hate palm trees but we share the opinion they have no place in a west coast rainforest. Its removal has been on my son-in-law’s to-do list from the getgo. The palm was well established and planted smack in the middle of the front garden, surrounded by beautiful heather plants and one lonely hosta – we were about to learn it didn’t feel like going anywhere.

The recipe for the removal of an unwanted palm seemed simple – dig a moat around the perimeter of the tree – fill the moat with water – let the tree soak for a day or two – coax the exposed root ball with the leverage of a garden spade and voila! the tree should pop out of the ground with ease. Our palm tree was having none of that – it was as committed to the yard as my son-in-law was to the task of removing it.

Apparently you can find lessons on how to lasso on the internet – my son-in-law obviously graduated top of his class, he’d roped that tree like a pro. What you can’t find on the internet is more snort for your pickup truck.

I arrived in the front yard to a battle of wills – palm tree versus son-in-law. I don’t know how many horses are under the hood of my son-in-law’s pickup truck but clearly those ponies were no match for a determined palm. There was some tire spinning and a few encouraging words (cough) but the tree was refusing to budge.

I was game to assist in any way I could. Sometimes all a tree needs to give up the fight is a few extra pounds of leverage (and I had some of those).

A cheer erupted from the pickup as the tree fell – a winner had been declared. The palm landed top first in a mud puddle moat – adding insult to injury. It has been carted off to be replanted in a yard where it will be appreciated for the expat it is. There is now a far more suitable maple tree planted in the hole the palm tree left behind and I feel decidedly closer to evening the score in the helping-hand department.

Upstairs

“Youtube Certified”

The internet is a truly wondrous and terrifying place. You can find practically anything there, if you know how to look for it. I also feel strongly that there are a few things that you should never procure from the internet. These include medications, birth control, and opinions on vaccinations. To be fair, I have learned many things from the internet and consider myself a youtube certified mechanic and handyman.

So, when the question of removing an offending palm tree was raised I consulted the guys at “Creative Lab X” on youtube. I put them through a rigorous vetting process: 1. How many views did they have? 2. Was there any potential for personal injury or property damage based on their advice/method? 3. I read the comments under their video to see what had been the experience of people who had tried the advice/method. I generally do not recommend reading the comments on any internet posting unless you want to descend into a deep, inescapable despair over the state of humanity, but in this case it was a palm tree, how bad could it be? Spoiler; a “flat-earther” showed up 12 comments in.

Following my “extensive research” (at least, that’s what the anti-vaxxers call it) I felt prepared to tackle the 6 foot palm that was inhabiting my front lawn. True to instructions, I trenched around the base, soaked the root ball for multiple days, and eventually dug under the astonishingly large root ball. The three days of preparation culminated in the moment when I had to text my mother-in-law for her assistance. I was ready to apply the tow strap-lasso method, and I needed her to let me know when I had successfully yanked the tree from the ground so I didn’t drag it across the yard.

I will admit that I underestimated my quarry. My truck did not have enough power or weight to evict the tropical trespasser and the tree required more action to dislodge it. It was at this point that I got the impression that my mother-in-law was cheering for the tree. Maybe not in the long term, but in the moment, it was clear that she was on team “palm tree.” Finally, after further negotiation the tree decided that it wasn’t interested in living somewhere it wasn’t wanted and agreed that it was open to relocation.

The tree now lives at my dad’s house where it is happy and welcome in an orchard. Next up on my youtube learning series is “home plumbing” and “successfully negotiating with your wife.” What could go wrong?