Words of Wisdom

I’ve been stretching myself this summer, taking some brave steps on my own.  Although I may not have actually turned a corner I think the corner is almost within eyeshot – just beyond the horizon, perhaps still blurred by the fog of fear but there in the distance waiting.  All I need to do is keep walking, moving toward the future.

I have always been up for adventure, eager to explore, but lately I’ve become a reluctant traveler, hesitant.  My confidence has been buried beneath a blanket of grief and change, my wanderlust trapped by uncertainty, but that has started to change.  I’m beginning to feel more like the person I used to be – the one who was keen on life, and I’ve started to push myself. 

I’ve spent the past year and a half on an inward journey trying to cope with the gigantic changes in my life.  I’ve been focused on healing from the inside out and lost sight of the fact that healing can also happen from the outside in.

You never know when you’re going to receive a word of advice that hits the nail on the head or how far you will have to travel to hear it.  Sometimes the advice smacks you in the face and you almost feel foolish for not having figured it out yourself. Other times the advice is subtle, almost a whisper, and it takes a moment or a week to settle into a thought  

I had to travel half way across the country to receive the nudge I didn’t know I needed. I had to leave my comfort zone to come home more comfortable in it. 

“You will always have your marriage.” My uncle said.  “Those forty years belong to you.  He would want you be happy – to live your life.”

I supposed my uncle would know – his was the voice of experience, he and my aunt will celebrate their sixty-fifth wedding anniversary in the fall.  I could tell he was choosing his words carefully, trying not to upset the precarious apple cart I pull behind me everywhere I go.  His was a message I needed to hear. 

I’m not sure what living my life looks like yet – I’ve spent the last fifteen months trying to tidy up the past and lay a foundation on which to build my future. I have no clue what is coming next or what that future holds. I’ve spent forty years being defined by a marriage – I was a wife and now a widow – I’m not confident outside of those designations.

He’d want me to be happy – that’s a given. He spent most of his life trying to do just that.  I’ve been worried that moving forward would mean letting go but my uncle is right, I will always have that marriage.  It lives within me and I will carry it with me into whatever the future holds.