Today I Choose Happiness

Although I’m feeling more settled with every passing day it still hits me in the face sometimes – this is where I live now, I’m never going home – and my heart aches. The aching is for something that doesn’t exist anymore and I try to put a lid on it before it has its way with me – sometimes I succeed.  I try to put myself in a place of gratitude and acknowledge the blessings in my life, and there are many.  

I’m blessed with a large and loving family, with friends so close and so much a part of my life I can hardly remember a time they weren’t in it.  I’ve been supported and protected and nurtured. I’ve leaned on my people and into my grief for more than a year. Now I’ve found my bearings and myself in a place I never intended to go.  This is where I live now.

I did a very ordinary thing yesterday and this new place took its first step toward becoming home – I ironed.  I know that sounds ridiculous, ironing is about as exciting as cleaning the oven.  I spent the day doing chores yesterday – not unpacking, not reestablishing – just doing chores and something in the mundane and ordinary struck a nerve. This is where I live now. And this place showed me its potential to become home. 

I think it will take a while to really feel at home here, to feel settled, but I got a glimpse of what could be if I just let it.  I’m facing another choice right now – I can choose to sit in loneliness and dwell in yesterdays or I can create a new reality, a new life in this new place.  Today I choose happiness.