The unstable sea

I don’t know what happened – after a few reasonable days in a row, on a quiet sunny afternoon the clouds rolled in and a storm arrived — my heart broke wide open again and I could hardly breathe. What the hell?  I don’t get it — I have actually laughed recently, a real out loud genuine laugh, I was beginning to see the humor in things again.  Did that open the door for tears? Grieving is more of a crap shoot than a process and it’s for the birds. I know I’m not back to square one but it sure feels like I am.

Last year at this time I felt like I was in a hurry to pack in the rest of our lives  – time was of the essence.  We had stuff to do.  Today what looms before me feels like a series of unpredictable days – time has been warped.  Forever seems like an eternity  – forever, for however long that actually is.  I’m 65 — one minute I see an endless sea of tomorrows and the next I see the finish line – time is about perspective.

There was a segment on the news the other night, a doctor talking about Post Traumatic Growth – I suspect it’s a real thing. I’ve heard for years that ‘what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger’ – which is basically the same sentiment in layman’s terms. 

I think it’s safe to say this time in my life could be considered post trauma – I’ve never felt more vulnerable or more adrift. I’m at a place where I have to redefine who I am. Some days this feels like a tall order, I was fairly set in my wifely ways – you don’t just un-wife over night.  I have to remind myself that I was other things too; a mother, a grandmother, a sister, a friend; and I am still those things.   

I’m not wishing my life away, even on days like this.  I actually want to live a long time – I want to see our grandchildren grow up, I want to see our children become grandparents. I’ve still got things to accomplish, stuff to figure out. 

What I am discovering is that there is no recipe for grief, no timeline, no chart. Coping is like the wind, it blows any which way. Some days you just have to batten the hatches and ride out the storm, on others the wind catches the sail and pulls you toward a new horizon.  I only feel adrift, I’m actually charting a new coarse with every new day, my crew is still manning the decks even as I learn how to pilot this boat myself.