The flip side – Side B

I woke up at three this morning, the dog was doing a violent head shaking thing that seemed to go on and on. I had a vision of spiders marching into his ears so I turned on the light and tended to him the best I could given the state of my awake-ness.  He settled down almost immediately, once I was completely awake.  I’m off to an early start today. 

In my old life an early start was a blessing in disguise, an opportunity to get a jump on the day. These days an early start equates to restless tire spinning and pillow flipping. Long days are not my friend right now – they give me too many hours to think and grieve and regret. But here I am, watching the sun rise and drinking coffee in an all too quiet house and trying not to dwell on things I cannot change. 

There are a hundred things I could tackle with these extra hours but I’m not inclined or inspired to do any of them.  I can’t seem to muster the enthusiasm to do much more than wallow.  My emotions are a crap shoot these days; one minute I’m devastated and heartbroken, the next I’m furious and the one after that leaves me completely overwhelmed. It’s exhausting.  I’m over tired and sleep feels impossible. 

I’ve often thought memories were like a long playing record.  Side A sports all the number one hits, the great songs – side B, the duds.  If you’re listening to side A the memories are sweet, they’re the happy ones, the ones that bring tears to your eyes and an ache to your heart.  Side B makes you grind your teeth – it’s the home of the fights, the disappointments, the times when you could have done things better. Side B is the record of regret. 

I’ve been flipping my record like a pillow in the wee hours of the morning – that’s what’s keeping me awake.  I’m stuck on side B today. I’m angry that I’m lonely and mad about the reason why. Cancer has eaten the love of my life and I’m furious at the disease and with its victim. I’m spinning my tires on ‘what ifs’ and ‘should haves’ – so many ‘should haves’.  I know this is a dumb place to spend my time and I’m mad about that too, it’s just sometimes…. sometimes side B gets stuck in my head. 

I’m too tired.  I’m mad at the dog with the itchy ear. I’m mad I can’t sleep. I’m mad that I’m mad. Side B is a sink hole, a vacuum – nothing happy lives here.

I fear it will take considerable effort to flip the record right now, to summon the good memories, and I’m too damned tired to try. 

I’ve been trying to think of an alternative to being mad when side B starts to play on repeat in my head.  I’m wondering if I could try to look at side B as a relief, a break from feeling sad.  ‘Sad’ always makes me crumple – ‘mad’ usually inspires me to action.  Maybe I could use side B as the place I energize, the place I recharge. Maybe side B could be a place of movement, momentum. 

Perhaps side B is just a different perspective of the recording as a whole and isn’t a curse at all. It could be side B is just another view, a reality check. Maybe side B is a reflective pause.  Perhaps side A is sweeter after a visit to side B.  

I don’t know, I fear this day will be a long one despite my intended new perspective.  It’s probably a good day to bath a dog – an excellent plan considering the itchy ear situation. And I do have a few extra hours to work with.