For some reason I feel like I am standing at the end of the high diving board, the new year is twinkling in the water below. I’m not sure I’m ready to take the plunge – that water looks a bit murky from way up here. I know the year will hold all the promise of every new year that has come before it; there will be some laughs, some tears, a lot of love and new lessons. A new year is a fresh start, but only sort of. I pulled sixty-four years behind me as I stepped onto this board. Sixty-four years of life experiences and all the people I shared those experiences with. We are quite a crew standing up here.
The past year brought with it extremes; highs and lows. I’ve found myself being courageous and scared to death in the same breath. I’ve pushed myself. It was a year of stepping out of my comfort zone and trying new things. This blog has been a leap every time I’ve published a post. It’s a roller coaster of my own making. Sometimes I wonder why I feel the need to do this to myself, life is plenty complicated without adding self induced stress.
The first notation in my new daily planner is a quote: “The truth is what you end up with — why not start with it.” Apparently Oprah said this to a writer who was struggling with a decision – maybe she was standing on the edge of her own diving board.
This really struck a chord with me. I am a real stickler for honesty but I’m not sure it can be said that I always tell the truth – I certainly don’t always tell the whole story. I generally find my truth by writing about things, so what you get on the blog are the ramblings of my journey toward that truth. What you don’t get are all of the ramblings. What I have discovered over the past months of blogging is that I write some really honest things that stay hidden inside my computer. When something particularly dark and honest shows up I often close the file and proceed to write something light and silly to share on the blog. The blog post becomes an atonement for my honesty – a way of forgiving myself for telling secrets, even if I haven’t shared the secrets.
This blog is not intended to be a confessional but it is a place where truth should at least prevail. This blog is a place of stories – conversations I’m having with you, my imagined listeners; my friends. Conversations where I can take my time choosing words. Where I can change my mind mid sentence and delete what I just said, before the words become something I have to eat. It is a place where I discover what I think about things. My intent with this blog is to tell my stories, as varied and scattered as they are, and to tell the truth with all the honesty I can muster.
I intend to take this blog into the new year. I’m hoping there are more stories lurking in that water below. As for the jump off this high dive – I’m still teetering on the edge. I have no idea where this new year is going to take me, but it would be a shame to spend it standing on the edge of the board. I’m going to hold my breath, plug my nose and probably scream a bit – but I’m going to jump in. 2018 – here I come, baggage and all. Prepare for a splash.