The eve

It’s a wrap – we’re putting 2019 to bed tonight –  tomorrow will be the first day of a brand new year, a day of resolutions and promises. It will also be Wednesday, the middle of the week and half way to the weekend.  Tomorrow will be special and ordinary in the same moment, the world will turn and begin another loop around the sun and I will wake up to a life that continues to amaze me.

We survived a few things in 2019 – we celebrated some and mourned others.  We made wishes that came true and some that didn’t.  There was a lot of newness to the year; I have a new house, some new friends and, best of all, a new grandchild – a little boy whose arrival was the blessing of the year – he was wanted in the fashion of all the babies in our family but he was needed in ways he may never understand.  The anticipation of that baby was like a glimmer in the darkness for a lot of people, he was the happy on the horizon.

Time stops for no man – you win some, you loose some and time marches on. In retrospect I think 2019 was a reality check – it arrived with a lesson planned (as the years usually do) and an agenda.  The year reminded me that stuff is just stuff, sentimental value is not tangible it’s an emotion inspired by a thing, a memory.  I discovered my new house couldn’t accommodate all the things which inspired memories for me but my heart had room enough for all.  I learned I could let the things go and keep the emotion and my life became less cluttered.  I learned that letting go actually made room for letting in. 

I learned how to survive in 2019, the art of carrying on.  I learned how to carry sadness with me and still feel the happiness of a moment. I stopped expecting to recover and began to accept this new normal.  I learned how to be a widow, a party of one.  The lessons of 2019 were harsh and brutal and beautiful.  The new year will arrive at midnight with its agenda and lesson plan – I’m not sure I’m ready but I have learned sometimes you don’t have a choice.