I zone out when I write – I focus only on words. Whatever story I am trying to tell my destination is only ever the next word, and then the one after that. The physical world fades away as I fall into a thought. Writing is a break from reality even if what I am writing about is very real. However challenging the topic, however heartbreaking the story, I can cope with almost anything, one word at a time. Writing gives me a pause, it allows me a moment to breathe.
These past months have been the most stressful of my life, my heart has been shattered. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath and now I need to try to exhale. I need to attempt to glue the broken pieces of me back together. I fear the process will be long and hard and dark.
This blog has been one of my sources of joy since its launch last May. As I experimented with various themes, tried different styles and wandered from light to heavy I stretched my creative wings. I fell into words and found among them a sense of peace. I need to find that peace again.
I am feeling lost – perhaps words can lead me home. I’m going to try to blog again. I’m going to reach inside for words to help me heal.
I have recently suffered a loss that has left me weak in the knees and breathless. I have typed and deleted hundreds of words trying to articulate the event subtly, but gentle words have failed me. Perhaps I need to get tough and just blurt the facts. My husband of forty years passed away at the end of March. My sixty-two year old super hero died. And I am devastated.
Trying to find a new normal is proving to be as challenging as finding myself in this mountain of grief – I have become the needle in the haystack. It is my hope that I can locate the remnants of me by writing. I need to start looking for the joy in my days again – looking for the stories that seem to make me tick. I need to lean into words, reach for thoughts, watch for moments and write.
I am going to publish this blog post tonight. It’s an experiment in courage, again and as usual – it’s a leap. I’m not sure it’s a smart move at this time but I’m going to give it a whirl, maybe these words will help me breathe.