Subliminal Grief

I woke myself up crying this morning – actually it was more of a moan than a cry, real tears didn’t form until I was well out of my dream and reliving it.  Then I cried in earnest.  I started today in the depths of despair.  This is a first for this particular loss, I haven’t cried myself to sleep or awakened in this fashion even once over the past seven months.  I’ve worried that something was wrong with me.  That’s not to say I haven’t cried – I’ve shed buckets of daytime tears – I just haven’t been haunted during sleep. 

I think the magnitude of this loss is so overwhelming the universe has been giving me a break during the night. It still takes incredible effort to stay in the moment while I’m awake, to stave off the seduction of grief, the temptation to wallow is great. But wallowing doesn’t get the dishes done, walk the dogs or make conversation and I need to do all those things too. 

I fear I’m at a point in this journey where people think I should be getting better and in truth I feel worse.  I’m reclusive and tired – I’d like to hide all day.  Some mornings it’s so damned hard to make myself get out of bed the fact I finally do becomes the major accomplishment of my day.  I have a hundred excuses why I shouldn’t have to participate and a hundred reasons why I should.  

I was thirty-six when my mother died, I was devastated. I had three young children and limited time to grieve during the day. I used to wake up in the middle of the night and cry for hours in the dim light of the kitchen.  Years later, when my father passed away, I found the time to grieve was just prior to falling asleep – I was older and seasoned, grief wasn’t new to me – I recognized it.  

This grief is different.  This grief has left me alone in my house and weak in my knees.  This grief was, and is, a work in progress and I am still trying to come to terms with it.  The tears this morning felt indulgent – I lay in bed and let them wash my face and felt better knowing they had finally arrived.  

I’ve wondered where the subliminal grief was, if it was ever going to show up – today it did. Another phase in the process? Perhaps.  Another personal idiosyncrasy? Probably.  Another step on the road to recovery? Hopefully. I’m putting one foot in front of the other trusting I’m on a path to the other side.