I still wake up some mornings and get splashed in the face with overwhelming sadness, other days it arrives like a soaker; ice cold grief seeping through my shoes, into my socks and numbing me from my feet up. Either way I get drenched on a daily basis. I thought I’d be further down this path by now – it’s been five months – I’ve noticed change but not improvement.
I’m familiar with the ache in my chest, it doesn’t shock me like it used to. I feel almost comfortable with this thing, this experience, this nightmare. I feel resolved, and that has brought a different desperation to the equation. I am becoming familiar with the sense of loss but the thought that this is ‘it’ scares me to death. In coming to terms with finality the future has dimmed. I don’t know what I’m working toward, I have no destination.
Maybe I’m looking too far down the road and my destination for today should only be tonight. Learning to take this journey one day at a time is perhaps the lesson of today. I know small increments are easier to handle – five pounds when you’re tackling weight, five meters when you’re stuck at the top of a black diamond run – baby steps. One step at a time. But those journeys were started with a destination in view, I knew where I was headed. This journey wasn’t planned, I don’t know where I’m going.
I’m not certain there is an end to this. Should I expect to wake up one day and be okay? I find that doubtful. Is recovery from a loss like this merely resolve?
I find great comfort writing these blogs and a tremendous sense of accomplishment when I learn I’ve touched someone, when I’ve connected. These posts are therapy to me – I throw caution to the wind and write my heart, my whole heart, even my dark heart – and it helps. This morning the words are coming from a confused heart, but I will post them anyway. I have made this blog part of my journey and the next post my destination. One step, one blog, at a time.
Comments (6)
Elva, remember it has been many years since you have been on your own. It will take time to learn who you are now. One thing I noticed in your reflection today is the uncertainty and lack of direction and goals. I find the same thing after 3 years, uncertain how to proceed with my life with out my buddy. It gets easier I promise and it won’t happen all at once but it will become easier. The physical contact of loved ones helps. It also helps to talk. Confusion will gently dissolve and will find your sea level. Gentle as a tide in and out as you noticed on your trip. Lots of friends to help you. L
You are so eloquent Leslie – thank you for the wise words.
The worst is no control…. No choice…. This is it, dumped in your lap.
You are doing amazing. One step at a time is the answer for many difficult situations.
But, you are the brave one moving forward. So proud of you! XX
Thank you. One foot then the other. XIXI
How true all your feelings are – so hard to accept some days and other days just a passing wave. We were n ever trained to learn to live alone without our “better half” and I don’t much care for it. Having thoughtful children is a PLUS and one step at a time is my motto each day. I really enjoy your ‘blogs’ and know they are therapy for me also. Love you, hugs & x’s,x’s.
Oh, and I love you! This is no fun at all – I think of you so often…. sure wish we lived closer. Xxoo