Milestones – the 200th Post

I am a person who likes to measure things, it motivates me. I began blogging in May 2017, in December I posted my 100th essay – a milestone.  I celebrated the mark with a blog:

I started the blog unsure about what I would write about – it turns out I’m not fussy, I will write about anything. I’ve written several posts about dogs, more than a few about aging (fighting it, celebrating it, complaining about it), I’ve written about writing, reading and being stuck in traffic. I’ve complained about birds, dirty windows and cleaning the house. I’ve grieved on the blog, I’ve remembered and dreamed. I’ve put my heart out there and not one person has hurt it. You’ve made me brave.

And then Christmas came.  And then a new year arrived with the hope and promise a new year brings.  But the new year also brought an ominous undertone I couldn’t put my finger on. I kept blogging – kept trying to keep the posts lighthearted – but a darkness was starting to seep into my everyday.  By February my life was in full blown crisis. I couldn’t blog about it – it was too personal, too painful – but I wrote about it in a private folder on my computer.  Words helped me cope.

And then my world fell apart and the words disappeared. I wallowed.  I despaired. I mourned. I was lost, the words were lost.  And I wondered if I’d ever find myself again. 

At some point in that darkness I started to re-read my blog. I couldn’t imagine going back to putting myself out there again. And then I got to the 100th post:

It has been said that getting to know yourself is rather like peeling an onion.  Layer  after layer, with tears in your eyes, you get to the heart of things. As I’ve peeled the onion I have learned that some of my most uncomfortable memories have been more of a blessing than a curse.  That the only way to the other side of anything is through it.  I’m learning if issues are important they shouldn’t be skirted. If a piece makes me squirm, it’s probably hitting a nerve. And if writing about something breaks my heart a bit, chances are it will resonate for some of my readers too. 

 I started to write again  

I hit another milestone today – this is the 200th post. My feelings about blogging haven’t changed much over the past one hundred posts. I still squirm a little before I hit the publish button and I am still finding myself in the words I write:

I’m learning to be honest. I’m growing more confident. I’m digging deeper and exposing more of myself all the time.  I still find all this honesty and soul baring a bit intimidating. I have second thoughts, and then second thoughts on the second thoughts, every time I post. I worry my lighthearted pieces are foolish, I worry the serious posts are dark. I worry I’m making an ass of myself in front of the world. But in spite of, or because of, this worrying, I feel like I’m stretching myself.  I’m tackling fear.  

Now, even more than at that 100 post milestone, I appreciate my readers and want to thank you for the continued encouragement and support. You have been a source of light in a very dark time:

Thank you to everyone who has clicked, read and reacted to theses posts.  It turns out it didn’t kill me to step outside my comfort zone…. I’m poised for the next leap – thank you for being the net that appeared.