My words are failing me right now.
Perhaps the emotions of this week are better felt than articulated, they are too big to convey. The anticipated end of the year of firsts is just days away – the end of this year of coming to terms.
We have survived. We are survivors.
But I am still broken.
I’ve been trying to glue myself back together and have discovered I am fashioning myself after someone who doesn’t exist anymore. The woman I used to be lives only in memory. She is gone.
It’s only in recent days that I’ve realized I have been reinventing myself – revealing the widow born twelve months ago. She is the person who survived. I need not look for the wife I used to be any more.
This year has taught me that I can do hard things. I’ve learned I am stronger than I ever wanted to be. And I’m learning to carry on.
I haven’t been a particularly quick study, in fact a lot of days I went backwards in my journey – retraced steps and started again. But as this anniversary approaches I realize, and have to admit, I’ve made progress. I am still standing, still surviving and still moving forward.
I expect I will get used to the new person I have become – who knows, I may even begin to like her. I don’t expect to get used to missing who I used to be or the life we lived together but I will use my new found brave to forge ahead regardless. I can do hard things. I am strong. And I survived.
Comments (8)
Hi Elva. Larry would have celebrated his 60th Birthday tomorrow. We’re all in this together dear Elva. Love you.
Mark.
And I love you Mark. Xxoo
You are such a powerful writer Elva. The only husband I have lost was on purpose – but I’ve lost my mom and my dad and my only sibling. Reading your thoughts and feelings this week remind me so much of how I felt after my mother died, and for so many years leading up to the anniversary of her death. If I could have put it into words, they would have been much the same as yours. Not of being a widow, but a motherless child. After a time I discovered that I too was stronger than I thought. I have done hard things. I have survived. And flourished. As you will too in time. Thank you for allowing us to accompany you on your journey.
Wendy – thank you for your comments. Your line “the only husband I have lost was on purpose.” Made me laugh out loud. You are a survivor! Thanks for following this journey – and thanks for your kind words.
The new you is steadily morphing into a very special soul.
Thank you for sharing such inner most feelings. XX
Thank you… 💕💕💕
Hi Elva, you will like who you’re becoming: don’t try to forget who you have been, it’s part of you👍❤️
Sheila – thank you for the vote of confidence.