Good intentions

I caught myself eating a spoonful of jam right from the jar this morning. It wasn’t a conscious move, I hadn’t intended to chow down on a jar of jam – I was just tidying up after breakfast and the sticky spoon was still sitting on the breadboard beside the open jar of jam. It was a spontaneous dip into deliciousness made subconsciously by a person who happens to really enjoy jam. It was mindless eating. I seem to be doing a lot of that lately.

I spend considerable time alone in my house within eyeshot of the kitchen. Only the dogs have a designated meal time these days, unless I’m having company. I have no desire to cook a meal for one.  I try to keep things in the house in case someone stops by; treats to have with coffee, cheese and crackers go nicely with wine, pretzels and taco chips are perfect with beer; I have a fine collection of snacks but nothing of substance, nothing green. 

I have good intentions when I do my grocery shopping, I buy salad makings and sometimes a little meat to throw in the freezer. Tomatoes go to mush in the fridge, cucumbers to slime – I’ve thrown away more rotten produce than I’d care to admit. I have a nice selection of chicken and fish getting freezer burnt. 

People worry that I don’t eat, my jeans would tell them not to fret. These days even my shoes are tight.  I would rather drink a supper than cook one – my empty wine bottle collection is getting so large it might indicate I’m developing a problem.  I keep cutting myself a little slack, giving myself some more time to come to terms with my new reality and buying just one more bottle of wine.  The time may be upon me to nip this justification in the bud, to get with the program before I have to enroll in one. 

Eating a spoonful of jam is just the tip of the iceberg – I’m on a slippery slope. Beginning tomorrow, or the day after that, I’m going to re-start my fitness regime, I’m going to be mindful of what I eat and I’m going to limit my wine consumption to….   Oh Hell,  tomorrow I’m going to try my best to get through another day.