Every day I get a little further from the life we lived together. It’s like I live in a fog of what used to be – like I’m waiting for the sun to break through and show me the lay of the land. I feel disoriented and lost. This sense of waiting for something is growing weary.
We are still plowing through paperwork, tying up loose ends, filing away the past. But then what? We have whittled the yesterdays into a stack of boxes, reduced the to-do list to a few items and sorted through most of the debris. And now what? I’ve cleaned out some closets, turfed some junk and watched the months slip by. What’s next?
It’s hard to accept that this is it. There isn’t a prize for completing all these tasks, no gold star for a job well done. The fact that things are winding down just seems to leave me with time to focus on the challenges of what is coming next. The changes in my life are just beginning.
I’ve been waking up each day with a focus on the past. Once this mess is sorted out I have to make a plan for the future and this is scaring the hell out of me. Where the yesterdays were cluttered with unfinished business the tomorrows are hidden by my own resistance. I have to clear the way for change.
I’m procrastinating. I start projects only to leave them in places where I trip on them. I am creating my own diversions and building a fortress of good intentions. I am overwhelming myself. I seem to have clogged my own creative path by surrendering to self made confusion.
My blog was supposed to show movement – document a woman on a journey through grief. I seem to have made a prolonged pit stop in a place of hopelessness. Perhaps this is part of the journey, maybe I will look back on this process and see a progression even as I feel stuck in this moment. I hope so.
I only have to do the next thing, not all the things. I only have to take a step toward the changes, I don’t have to make the changes. I need to fall into words again, they help me draw my map, chart my course and make some sense out of this. It’s time to get back with the program. Time to get a move on.