Getting a handle on guilt

I must be feeling better I’m starting to reach out. I’m making phone calls and dates, setting goals and making plans. I’m looking to the future and I find that a bit surprising. I’ve had a few good days in a row – that’s not to say they have been days without tears, but crying on a good day doesn’t make it less good.

I believe that part of me is going to cry forever but there are other parts of me that are starting to wake up. Parts that have been blanketed in sorrow are now lifting that cover and seeing beyond grief. My spirit is showing up a little more each day, and that’s a good thing. 

People have started to say ‘good morning ‘ to me when I’m out walking the dogs – a good indication I’m not staring at the ground so much anymore. I’m feeling the breeze on my face and noticing the burn in my muscles as we walk, we must be walking faster.  Recovery doesn’t jump up and smack you, it sneaks into things; the expression on your face, eye contact; and it invites people to notice you, to speak to you, to smile.  I’ve been the recipient of many smiles of late and find myself returning them without pause. I am recovering.

I’m getting better at feeling better, I’m acknowledging guilt when it arrives and taking a moment to look at it instead of falling into myself and letting it own me.  I am consciously letting myself enjoy the moment without feeling guilty that I’ve let go of grief for a minute.  This day, today, is new and it counts too – I have piled up so many sad days they have the makings of a mountain.  That mountain doesn’t need another entire day added to it to be relevant.  That mountain will gather moments, and sometimes hours, of grief on its own – it will loom behind me for the rest of my life – it doesn’t need the addition of this day to be the giant deal it is. 

Today the sun is shining. My empty house actually isn’t, there are two dogs waiting for breakfast and a walk and a giant goldfish who needs a pinch of food. There is life in this house and, although it’s lonely from time to time, this is the life that is mine. I feel like I’m starting to live it again and I can’t, and I shouldn’t, feel guilty about that.