I bought myself flowers this week. This is not something I do on the regular or even on the odd occasion. I’ve rarely given flowers to me, I never needed to – I have been the recipient of hundreds of bouquets over the course of my life. I received flowers so often I think I got passé about them, took them for granted – like a lot of things I’m missing these days.
I used to get reminded from time to time about how precious life is – by a close call or the news of an untimely passing. It always prompted me to pay closer attention for a bit, to be grateful, to appreciate. And then the inspiration would pass and I’d settle into my day to days and forget. I’ve been doing less forgetting recently, less taking for granted and a lot more missing.
Facebook has been relentless recently, reminding me of anniversaries and memories almost daily. I open my page in the morning only to come face to Facebook with something that might have slipped my mind were it not placed front and heartbreakingly center on my homepage. It’s a lovely but potentially deadly way to start a day. Memories are like that, some of the best ones can break your heart.
For some reason Facebook is focused on memories of two years ago. It seems I posted a lot back then. Two years – an even number but an odd choice – two years ago we were celebrating occasions together for the last time, we just didn’t know it. Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, birthdays, Canada Day…. all the days two years ago, for the very last time together.
I’m grateful for the memories and for the reminder of those happy oblivious days, but they are making my heart ache. Facebook is helping me pick the scab off the wound. We are living our year of ‘seconds’ without him and it isn’t easier, it’s just different. The year of firsts is fuzzy, blurred by the freshness of loss which makes these seconds actually feel like firsts. Facebook’s friendly reminders are bringing into focus the depths of what was lost – both a blessing and a curse.