As I age I find I’m more inclined to try to figure out the reason why I do things rather than try to change some of the things I do. I’m starting to accept that I’m ‘cut from a cloth’ – I’m a ‘type’. Inasmuch as I can’t turn off the fact that I love the color red, there are things that will always be part of who I am, even if I don’t like those things. That isn’t to say a person should stop trying to do things better, it just acknowledges that some things are better understood than controlled.
My default is ‘happy’. My direction is usually forward. I try not to dwell on the past. But life has a tendency to test us. Sometimes a test is about perspective – what looks like a small potato one day can look like a freaking big deal the next. And some things are just freaking big potatoes right from the get-go. Sometimes things happen that are totally out of our control. These are the times when my instincts kick into gear and the need to grab something I can control takes over, these are the times I start to obsess.
I think my obsession to control things is born from the same place as addiction. It’s my survival instinct. My gut reaction is to take charge. I disappear into control – I log my food, or I count calories, or I exercise. These days I walk my dog.
I have a good excuse for excess dog walking – I’m rehabbing the dog with the new knee. I’m good with project that allows me to take charge of someone else. Chester is coming along nicely and every time we get a good report at the vet, I get a feather in my cap. We are a good team, Chester and I. We are winning the rehab game and I’m staying in my right mind (mostly). What Chester doesn’t realize is that right now he is walking me. The world is spinning out of my control and he is the thing I have grabbed onto to control. I need to focus. I need to dig in.
Chester doesn’t care about the reason we’re walking, he just loves to walk. He would happily jump on his leash six times a day and hoof it around the block if I asked him to. He doesn’t need to chat while we walk. We both just walk. If there was anything positive about Chester blowing his knee it’s that he gave me a project, a purpose and something to focus on while I figure out how to deal with the big potato in front of me right now.
I know what I’m doing when I’m being obsessive, I’m taking the focus off something I can’t control. It doesn’t fix the problem but it gives me a break from it. It gives me time to think. The first couple of months of 2018 have been somewhat of a challenge for me, but it is my opinion that challenges are put in front of us to be met.
I think it’s nearly impossible to change a gut reaction, it is part of the cloth from which we are cut. I’m not even sure gut reactions are actually flaws. Maybe they are our natural coping mechanism. I am obsessive, for sure, but I’m moving and in that movement I am coping.
If 2018 is the year I committed to tell my truth then this is part of it. If it is the year I have decided to accept myself, this is part of that too. I am moving forward. I am focused. I might not be able to control everything, but I’ve got a handle (and a leash) on the things that I can.