Christmas is on its way

There’s a chill in the air this week – the season is about to change. The grass is frosted in the morning and the metal latch on the gate is being stubborn. The wind has been chasing brittle leaves across the sidewalk, their scurrying edges clicking on the pavement like the high heels of fairies trying to outrun the cold. Winter is hovering over the ocean and Christmas is on its way.

We are living a year of ‘seconds’ since his passing – the seasons, celebrations and holidays all arrived on schedule.  Birthdays, Thanksgiving and Halloween came and went – now Christmas lights are beginning to dot the landscape.  Time is marching forward and so are we.  

I have only a vague recollection of going through that year of ‘firsts’ – we crossed them off the calendar one after the other, survived more than celebrated. I feel like we were just going through the motions, testing the water – trying to determine the lay of the land and how our lives would carry on without him. I hated those ‘firsts’ and the milestones – I’m thankful they are behind me and that my memory is foggy. But I find comfort in the fact we survived – comfort enough to lay the foundation for the ‘seconds’ we are now facing.

I doubt I will ever get used to his absence or accustomed to facing the world without him but I’m learning how to be single again. With every celebration, every event, I grow a little stronger, more independent. I am at a place where I can lean on my memories and take comfort from them without cringing. The hole in my heart has become part of me. There are still moments when that hole fills me and the emptiness aches, but the ache is familiar and now it has memories too – it lived those ‘firsts’ with me.

This year of ‘seconds’ isn’t as raw, the hole isn’t bleeding anymore – I’m facing life with more confidence. I pushed through those foggy ‘firsts’ – the ‘seconds’ have been received with reservation and resignation. Like the wind pushing leaves across the pavement, time is pushing me forward. I may be reluctant but I’m resolved. Winter is hovering over the ocean and Christmas is on its way.