There is a moment, first thing in the morning, where my only thought is that a new day has arrived. I float on sleep that is slowly retreating. And then I remember the house is empty and I wonder if I could just stay in bed forever. Heartache settles like a blanket around me. A new day begins and it feels just like the one I left behind.
This new life is an effort, I’d rather not face it. People say they are surprised at how well I’m doing, pleased to see me coping – little do they know that beneath this charade a broken person is working hard to glue herself back together.
The world keeps spinning, days have turned into weeks and those weeks now amount to months and I still feel like he could walk through the front door and kiss me hello. If I close my eyes I can conjure him sitting in his chair, I can see the dog curled at his feet, I can imagine he is still here. And then my heart breaks and tears sting my eyes and I have to pull myself together. He is never going to sit in that chair again, never going to walk through the door, there are no more kisses for me.
Grief is an uphill trek and my legs are weary – if I let it this maudlin moment get the better of me I will lose the day. This is where I reach for the effort I am making – the moment I admit I am wallowing. I try to shake off grief and ready myself for another day.
I think I’m at a point in this journey where I can almost choose how I will face the day. The operative word being ‘almost’ – sometimes sadness still wins, sometimes grief won’t submit. But it’s getting better. I can bully myself into looking happy if I try hard enough, most of the time. I can paint a smile on my face. I can fool the world. And sometimes I can almost fool myself.
I’m trying to believe that real happiness is still out there, that one of these mornings my first thought won’t be of loss. I know I’m never going to forget, I’m always going to miss him, but I’d like to catch my breath. I’d like to stop wrestling with grief. I’d like to welcome a day and not manipulate it – I’d just like to seize it.