Marching through
I continued to write while the website was under development, although I couldn’t post the blog. I tried really hard to focus on something other than grief. I would start essays about a happy incident and inevitably death would sneak in; death and grieving. I can’t seem to put a lid on it. I have […]
Good intentions
I caught myself eating a spoonful of jam right from the jar this morning. It wasn’t a conscious move, I hadn’t intended to chow down on a jar of jam – I was just tidying up after breakfast and the sticky spoon was still sitting on the breadboard beside the open jar of jam. It […]
Wrestling with Reality
I am still dealing with moments of mind numbing reality, moments where the hairs on my arms stand up, my stomach muscles tighten and I grow weak in the knees. Moments when I can’t believe what I’m trying to believe – this thing happened, the love of my life died and with him all the […]
Senor Cinco and I
I took a step back into my old life last week – I did my Thursday afternoon volunteer shift at the aquarium. It felt strange and good. I love the aquarium, I find the dim galleries relaxing and the exhibits mesmerizing. Things are both familiar and new every time I visit. I haven’t done a […]
I have learned…
I have learned grief is not a round trip – you don’t get to go through it and come back to the person you used to be. Nor is it a straight shot through the dark – it has curves and dead ends, hills and valleys. It isn’t a quick trip – it’s a […]
Hello Sunshine
I’m feeling blessed today and the only thing that has changed is my point of view. People have been handing me offerings for weeks. They have been placing these offerings in dark corners where they sit like little tea lights in a votive. They sparkle. The offerings come as gestures, comments, support – they come […]
New to the neighborhood
Widowhood keeps smacking me in the face – I’m new to the hood. It keeps surprising me. The grief part was expected, the surprises are taking some getting used to. I keep having to remind myself that he is really gone; not gone on a business trip, not gone to work, just plain gone. This […]
A new reality
The fog is lifting. I’ve hit a place in this journey where I’m looking over my shoulder and trying to make sense of how I got here. Pieces of the story are starting to surface and I find myself taking a closer look at the details. His wasn’t a sudden death in the scheme of […]
The posse and possibility
Every joint in my body hurts this morning; my back aches, my knees are creaking; I’m ruined. It might take a hot shower and six days to remedy this situation but man, am I thrilled with what got accomplished in my yard this past weekend. A posse rolled in at the crack of dawn on […]
His stories
I don’t like to refer to it as a funeral, that memorial gathering of sad and shocked people, but that’s what it was. A funeral. His funeral. We hosted it over six weeks ago and I’m finally finding the courage to think about it, to ponder it, to appreciate it. It was a lovely affair, […]