As the dust of this moving business starts to settle so too does the reality of what’s just happened. I’ve taken the leap and the net has not appeared – yet. The weather changed yesterday, sunshine gave way to grey skies and rain and I felt myself fall into a place I have been too busy to visit for a while.
I’ve been writing the truth on the blog, or at least a portion of the truth – the happy part. I’ve been trying to change the tone, turn a corner and talk myself into okayness. The effort worked for a while, during the sunny days and the too many glasses of wine, but the barometric pressure dropped and so did my mood.
I wanted this new chapter to be all sunshine and wine, I wanted to leave grief behind and write my way into a world of possibilities. It turns out I’m a dreamer – but that’s not news, I dreamt my way to today and I will probably dream myself into the sunset. It’s just today the dream is not a happy one – today my dream is stuck on things like fear and self doubt. Today the negative voice in my head is telling me this is as good as it gets.
The truth is I let these negative thoughts loose on myself – it isn’t the fault of the rain or gloomy day, I’ve been riding a wave of enthusiasm and I’ve hit the beach. That’s what happens – now I have to paddle back out and catch another wave. I loose my balance periodically, I’m moodier than I’d care to admit.
I’d be lying to myself (and to those who read the blog) if I carried on in the airy fashion of late. A person doesn’t just change residences and leave all the yucky stuff behind. I’ve packed a good portion of that yucky stuff here with me – I’ve been sorting sundry and ignoring the yuck for over a month. It’s probably time to admit I am still the person trying to make a go of it on her own, trying to stay upbeat and positive. I’m still swimming, and I think that’s as good as it gets today.
Comments (5)
Hi Elva,
The last thing you needed today was to hear me whine and wail about my life. Sorry about that. Let’s chat soon. Mark
Mark – you were exactly who I needed to talk to. Xxoo
Just staying afloat is perfectly fine I think . You’re just treading water and bobbing up and down from time to time! The self doubts and concerns are just indications of your exploratory efforts. Add to that you have friends and family who will throw you a line if you ever need one. But you won’t. You’re too naturally buoyant to need it. Take this from one who is also glad of her water wings!
Ruth – you say the nicest things!
Just because you changed house doesn’t mean you can change your memory. You spent over half your life with Herman. Think about all the good times, the funny times you had with him; think about the lovely children and grandchildren you had together. In the words of that old song “You’ve got to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative — don’t mess with Mr. inbetween. I think itwas Johnny Mercer who wrote it — summing up what he had paid scads of money to a psychiatrist for. He made a ton of money with the song. Chin up and cheer up dear friend.