Rather than writing about grief I thought I would write about writing about it; how it helps me cope and how sharing it has become part of my recovery. Documenting this journey, writing about this life changing event, helps me take a step back from the emotion of it and view it with a critical eye. While I’m writing I am only looking for words to convey a feeling and while I’m doing that I’m actually not feeling the feeling.
Writing, for me, is like having a conversation. It’s a quiet conversation, one where I don’t have to worry about taking too long to tell a story, in fact the longer I take to tell a story the shorter it gets. I can choose my words, change my mind, repeat myself and take as long as I like to say what I mean. I can be careful or direct – I am only talking to a blank page – it doesn’t care what I say, it doesn’t feel the words.
As the words appear the story unfolds. The words are the guide, they direct the thought, they point the way. Often the thought that drew me to the page evolves as the words appear and I realize that the thought was actually just a catalyst for something deeper, something I needed to unearth. It’s like therapy; the page offers no opinion, there is no judgment, only words.
I struggle sometimes, I think we all do – it’s the nature of the beast. And I worry. I worry that I won’t be able to articulate what I’m feeling, I worry that what I’m feeling is stupid, I worry that I will be perceived as foolish. But I persevere – I keep peeling back layers of baggage, I keep searching for solace, I keep writing with the hope my struggle will resonate with someone else who is struggling and maybe these words, my words, will make them feel less alone.
I follow a few inspirational people on Facebook – their words, their struggle, resonates with me. One of them, Glennon Doyle, reached out across the inter web and touched me with a post on her Instagram this morning while I was struggling with this essay. I thought I would share her message to me with you on the day it arrived and in the midst of what I was working on the moment it arrived – no edits, just the universe telling me that this struggle is okay.
Comments (2)
Please commit to feeling and refrain from analyzing grief. I have felt everything you have and still do after 3 years. The only way to keep going forward is to recognize that this is the process. You cannot move it or change it as you know by now it is the process and it takes healing. Wine helps and friends in your life will always listen and support. No one is ever prepared for this…..
Thank you for your comment Les MacDonald — you are right, wine and friends make all the difference in the world…. I fear this process will be long and hard – writing about it seems to help me cope. I wish you well on your journey fellow traveler.