I don’t know why some days feel so long; why the hours become too heavy for the minutes to drag. Time never drags on a good day – good days never have enough hours. It’s the maudlin days, the insecure days, the ones that lean into worry that feel never-ending. I’m having one of those days. There is cause for worry right now, a reason to be insecure, we are in the midst of a historic crisis and it feels very real today.
They have fenced off the beach in my little coastal town, erected a tall blue barrier between the cement parking lots and the waves still cresting on the shore. There are security guards sitting at varying intervals along the fence ensuring no one gets over or under or around. I feel like I’m living in a war zone and I suppose I am – I suppose we all are. If I take my eyes off the fence and look at the bigger picture I can hardly breathe, so I focus on the fence.
Daffodils are blooming, cherry blossoms float like snow flakes falling from a crystal clear sky and we have to close our doors on all of it. We have to hunker inside and hide from something we cannot see or really even fathom. The horror of the virus plays out on television like scenes in an apocalyptic movie.
I feel like we are all just waiting – waiting for normal, waiting for a vaccine, waiting for this to be over. Politicians are being careful with their predictions and gentle with a reality that grows more real by the day. The normal we are waiting for will be anything but – it will be a new normal and we will be as unsure of ourselves in it as we are in these days leading up to it.
I fear this will be a long maudlin day if I don’t put some effort into living it. I need to put my focus back on the fence – I can cope with that. Who knows maybe I will get a glimpse of the ocean beyond the fence. Maybe if I get busy I can help the minutes pull today into a tomorrow that will feel better. Maybe with some effort I can shorten what feels like a really long day.
