I’m not so much new to the area as I am new to my life – I’m meeting people who will only know who I am today; the widow has emerged, they will never meet the wife I used to be. It occurred to me this morning after I’d had a brief conversation with the city gardeners and after Chester and I acknowledged a couple of dog walking regulars in the parking lot and after I’d waved hello to the fellow who owns the Waffle House just down the block, that all these people think I’m a fresh face in the crowd. They’re wrong. I’m an old-timer, I’ve lived in this neck of the woods for fifty years – I’m far from fresh.
My family moved to the coast the summer before my grade ten year. I was fifteen, an awkward teen, self conscious and quiet but also seasoned when it came to being the new kid in the class. We had moved multiple times before finally settling down and although self conscious I was also confident – I knew the drill. Moving has the potential to be a fresh start, an opportunity to reinvent yourself. The opportunity was always wasted on me, it seemed everywhere I went there I was, in all my self conscious, weirdly confident glory.
This recent move has been more than a change of place, it’s been a change of self – I have been redefined. That seasoned teenaged mover has been buried beneath a lifetime of experiences, I have evolved. Somewhere along the way my confidence got wrapped in the roles I played – wife, mother, grandmother – I morphed into each designation. And now I am a widow and once again new – more to my life than my neighborhood.
Being a creature of habit I am fairly consistent in my routine – I see the same people on the daily. None of these new people know my story – I’m just some old girl with a couple of dogs, new to the block. But I’m making new friends – people who have no clue who I used to be, and this has surprised me. It appears the self conscious, weirdly confident teenager has emerged and she still knows the drill. It also appears that confidence may come wrapped in a role – maybe accepting myself as a widow is helping me admit that although I’m not a fresh face I’m making a fresh start.