The dotted line

I was beginning to feel settled in my search for a new home, resigned to the fact it would take us a while to find something that met my criteria, and then it happened – we found it.  In retrospect the hunt was a whirlwind, a frenzy – we are only in the third week of the new year and the deal has been written, presented and accepted. It’s done and I could throw up.

I feel like I’ve just stepped off the Tilt-a-whirl; I’m dizzy and off balance. The ride was thrilling, it delivered all the hype a Tilt-a-whirl promises and now I’m coping with the ramifications of all that tilting and whirling – my heart is pounding and my stomach is in my mouth. 

I bought a condo…. I bought a Condo.  I’m not sure if I want to whisper or shout. This is the first time in my life that a decision of this magnitude has fallen to me – it’s made me unsteady – good or bad I chose and the consequences belong to me.

I’ve always had an invisible safety net, even a wrong decision landed gentler when my husband was alive.  He spent forty years standing between me and mistakes. I am only now realizing I never had to take full responsibility for any decision that went south. This isn’t to say he made all the decisions over those forty years – we made most of them together, he just always signed on the dotted line.

There were times I was resentful that his was always the final word; he said ‘yes’ to the cars we shopped for, he decided when we would paint the house or replace the furnace.  Sometimes it felt like he was the boss of everything, always in the driver’s seat.  In retrospect I realize it was me who gave him the promotion and handed him the keys.  We always discussed the purchases, they were made on a ‘need’ not a ‘whim’ – I was traditionally the person in charge of whimsy.  

I’m good at whimsy; I planned all the holidays, parties and celebrations. Hell, I chose what we would have for supper.  I’m sure he had moments over those forty years when he felt like he was just along for the ride.  

These days I’m driving the bus – the big decisions are falling only to me.  I own the dotted line and it’s scary. But I did it… I signed the deal and now I’m off to the next adventure.